Ripples…..

Good ol’ Rab has called me about 17 times so far mostly about loneliness but about the letters he’s begun to recieve in the mail. You see, he has been battling depression for awhile now because he’s been so alone. He filled up the time limit on my voicemail reading back the letters that were sent to him. Hopefully he’ll remember to write back to all of you who took the time send him your regards. A trickle of thought occurred to me while I was listening to Rab’s voice on the other end, one that whispered about creating opportunities where none had existed before. I may not have all the details on how to go about it and everyday I seem to learn something new along the way but I think it is an effort worth exploring.

I wrote a letter to Ken Schram today and don’t know if I’ll hear back from him but if I never make an attempt to contact him, I definitly won’t. He has worked for KOMO news and has his own commentary online and on a local radio station I believe. I took the time to explain my story and attached a link to change.org as well as pointing him to InvisiblePeopletv and wearevisible. Maybe nothing will come of this, maybe something will.

I put in a few phone calls to the Pierce County Coalition to end Homelessness but haven’t heard back from them yet. Hopefully someone will get back to me within a few days. The next step from here is to check out King County’s coalitions and go from there.

While doing all of this I still have the same anxieties about getting by just like everybody else, maybe more so but I don’t like to dwell on what I can’t change today. Each of us has the capability to be the first at something in their hometowns but how often do they? It’s a simple matter to acknowledge a family with kids living out of their cars when you see them in parking lots. If I had the money, I would buy gift cards to local restraunts and go on a spree to pass them out to homeless folks especially in the winter when hot food will go a long way but if I couldn’t do that I would at least figure out how to keep them warm. Hand warmers are always a convenient and practical gift.

I don’t know where tomorrow will take me but when I get there, I hope it’s another step closer to something better.

What I want to do versus what I need to do.

The past week has been a whirl of headaches, stresses and traumas yet it has also been a week of new discoveries, self exploration and a rare joy ride into the sweet side of the human soul. You see, I told myself that the only way out of hell was to get a degree in something that might resemble job security even if it were a mundane spirit crushing job; it had to be better than my current circumstances. So I began the process of enrolling in a 2 year program and although I struggled to keep up with classes while staying alive and looking for better opportunities, I knew I was dying inside. Isn’t this what a good parent does, make sacrifices for her children regardless of how it affects her health, her mind, her overall well-being?

While I chased after a piece of paper that would tell people I am worth something I felt…empty. Is this what I really am? Is this who I want to be? Insomnia and migraines became constant companions I could not say no to yet I allowed them to make themselves comfortable because the rationalization was to put up with it because having a degree would be worth it, wouldn’t it?

Little by little, something has been happening to me. I noticed it when I walked the streets of Seattle talking to desperate people in desperate situations. I noticed it when taking the time to befriend an 85-year old street musician. I felt it when looking for the van people and counting how many souls slept in vans, cars and motor homes. I saw it in the eyes of children living in parking lots who didn’t know where they would be sleeping that night. Sometimes it stung in the face of careless comments and willful ignorance yet somehow always managed to ignite me in ways previously unknown and I am still on simmer.

When everything converged into a tangled mess of conflicted priorities and too many ifs, everything locked up inside me until……my path crossed that of another whose gentle words gave me clarity again. “What is it you want to do and what is it you need to do?” Even before those words were given, I already knew. Going to school to get a degree; that was what I wanted to do. Giving homeless people a voice when no one wants to hear them is what I NEED to do. Hearing the fragile voice of an 85-year old man living in a garage and wanting to die because he suffers from loneliness and thought the world had forgotten him turn into surprise and wonder because people he didn’t know read what I wrote about him and sent him letters is what I NEED to hear. Watching the interactions among the homeless themselves helping and supporting other homeless people is what I NEED to see. Reading about how dehumanized one man felt because no one wanted to touch a homeless man is what I NEED to know. Connecting with other people going through the same feelings of frustration, anxieties, guilt and anger is what I NEED to feel. Wanting to help a hardly normal guy run around the world filming the truth about homelessness and those who struggle with it every day and knowing it may turn out to be a thankless job but the rewards thus far are measured in humanity and not in gold so I keep on doing what I can even though I have no idea in the long run where this will lead to is where I NEED to be.

And so I begin the process of enrolling in a different program that isn’t taught at any institution nor does it require filling out forms for financial aid so that when you “graduate” you are eligible to repay that loan immediately. The classes I have chosen to take are in patience, diligence, compassion, perseverance, acceptance and a willingness not to judge. Actively pursuing real change is more than a full-time career yet I am willing to do it without pay because the alternative is to fall into the status quo of nothingness and rhetoric without action.

I am still pursuing a living wage but in the meantime I have to wage a life worth pursuing.

Today I rounded up the kids, drove to the nearest bus station/park and ride and went to Tacoma. Took us about 30 minutes to get there and the experience was amazing. So many people flocked to the Tacoma Dome’s Exhibition Hall to attend this year’s Project Homeless Connect. What is truly amazing about this event is that not one staff member is paid to be here. Doctors, dentists, vision care providers, mental health specialists, barbers, social service workers, every one a volunteer!

I brought my kids here to get them to see a dentist and for my eldest daughter it would’ve been a nice gift to have her eyes checked because she needs glasses but by the time we got there, they had run out of glasses and closed by 2pm. Tomorrow is her birthday and I’ve got nothing planned. So far, she hasn’t said a thing or complained but I know she’s thinking about it. How couldn’t she when her peers are having sweet 16 parties while she’s worrying about where she’ll end up in the next few months or next year? At least she got her teeth cleaned and sealed by the mobile dental units a free haircut offered by the volunteer hair stylists. At first, she was apprehensive about attending but when it was time to go she smiled at me and said she was glad she went. My cell phone went off and it was the manager of the Public Storage unit. I knew that sooner or later he would be calling with a “friendly” reminder. I let him know I should be coming down sometime this weekend or early next week.

My youngest of course, was amazed to see so many other kids and after taking her to see a dentist, she begged me to take her to the secure childcare center. I took advantage of the free service and wandered the floors talking with various volunteers, looking for members of the team that coordinated the event. I eventually met Ellie Ottey who has been helping coordinate this event for the last four years. She agreed to give me a casual interview and was very gracious in giving me her time but ha! You won’t see the results of our chat until it gets posted on change.org!

I took the opportunity to tell Ellie about wearevisible and InvisiblePeople.tv and about change.org as she had never heard of it. I told her about my situation and why I do what I do and she kept staring at me. I told her I may be homeless but I am not a victim nor will I play the part. Regardless of who has let me down, I am responsible for taking control of where I want my future to be. I may be homeless now, but I am studying for a bachelor’s degree in health services administration. Ellie’s eyebrows went up as she smiled. “You know, with all these doctors in here, I’m sure we can make a connection somehow!” The more I chatted with Ellie I discovered that for the last 20 years, she’s been working in finding housing for people like me! We exchanged information as I told her that I would like to know about anything that comes up in the future that I could write about. It occurred to me that if these volunteers could deliver help to the homeless, and homeless people helping other homeless people via social media, what would happen if the two should …oh I don’t know….come together? And what if, just by talking to people I wouldn’t normally talk to, I just happen to mention wearevisible and InvisiblePeople.tv to those who coordinate events such as Project Connect Homeless? Governmental systems lack the ability to deliver immediate help to those already in crisis. As Ellie so eloquently put it, the project coordinators operate as though they are managing a disaster. In my opinion, people living under bridges or in cars needed help yesterday, not in the obscure future wasting precious time on waiting lists and false hopes.

As I’ve often said before, it always seems that I am led to other people and today it happened again. While waiting for the #574 to Federal Way, I met two homeless men on their way to Seattle and a young man with two backpacks standing nearby trying to figure out which bus to take. He approached me and said he had come from Evergreen College in Olympia and was trying to get to Seattle. I told him he might as well follow us since the local buses have to stop at the Federal Way Transit Center. There are buses that will go directly to Seattle. Well when a bus did arrive, he followed us on and so did the two older homeless men behind us. The two men thought they had enough money between them for their fare but turns out the rate is $3.00 a person. I stood up and shoved dollar bills into the meter for them, then paid for my fares for one adult and two youths. We all sat at the front of the bus and as is my way, I started talking to them about where they were going and why. The two older men told me they had come from California and they too were at the Tacoma Dome for Project Homeless Connect. They kept saying thank you and that God would bless me for helping them get to Seattle. One of the men had the appearance of having been roughed up not too long ago and he casually told me that he had been beaten up and robbed of his money. He had been standing with a cardboard sign for hours near the bus station just trying to get a ride back to Seattle. The other man said he only had enough money to get to Tacoma and didn’t really know what he was going to do but he was also trying to pan handle to pay for a bus ride north. Now what’s interesting about all this is that earlier in the day while we were in Federal Way waiting for a bus to take us to Tacoma, a woman who spoke mostly Russian was walking up and down the station trading her bus tickets for cash. I gave her $4.00 and thought nothing of it since she was trading tickets for Metro buses which is different from Community Transit because they are two different counties. I figured I would just use these tickets on the weekend when I head to Seattle. I reached into one of the pockets of my backpack and fished out the bus tickets and handed them to the man who had been beaten and robbed. It wasn’t until the bus drove down the freeway that I realized that we had gotten on an express bus straight to Seattle, no stops in between! As I sat there smiling to myself, I leaned forward and told the young man that he got lucky, he got his wish and we are on a direct route to Seattle. He was trying to find his way to the Starbuck’s on the waterfront because someone was going to pick him up there. We walked with him downtown and I pointed him in the direction he needed to go. He thanked me and went on his way. On the light rail back to Federal Way, I smiled about the day’s events while watching the scenery blur past me through dark windows stained with rain drops. Even though the dull thudding of an impending headache was on its way, I still feel like my day was well spent. Tomorrow is a new beginning and all I can do is greet it.

Today I had to finally tell my youngest daughter’s teacher the truth about us. I directed her to change.org’s website to read about my situation. Before they go trying to refer to me resources that don’t exist, they need to see what the reality is for those who are homeless. This is a small town, Enumclaw is. There are no community service programs here. The next towns over are Bonney Lake, Auburn or Tacoma. Bonney Lake isn’t that much bigger than Enumclaw so if I have to leave here, I’d be heading to Auburn, Federal Way or Kent.

The teacher sounded stunned that homeless people were here, why should that surprise me? I hope she does read my story and every story I post on here. There is a new brand of poverty out here. One marked by individuals finding their way to the internet via social websites to stay connected, to make that human contact with others in the same situation so that they know they aren’t alone in hell.

I had my misgivings about coming out here because it’s so far out and because public transportation to and from here is extremely limited. I couldn’t leave Caly stranded and without help though, especially while going through surgeries. We do the best we can for now but I am gearing up for the winter. The mini-van needs a tune up and new tabs at the end of this month. The roof needs to be sealed as I found a big leak near the window on the driver’s side. My plan is to get us all new sleeping bags that can insulate to -0 degrees. Everything else I can figure out as I go. If it becomes too difficult here, I will leave.

Tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day since I don’t know what the impact will be once the school principal gets word or our situation. I appreciate their concern as it appears to be genuine but the reality is, I am doubtful there’s much they can do.

While everything is a day-to-day “adventure” for us, more people are sending me friend requests on Facebook or following me around on Twitter. I am always amazed that they WANT to read what I write and for that I am thankful. I will admit it feels a little odd to me because I don’t like being in the spotlight, never have but if this is the path I’m on, I must follow it. I’ve got to see what’s at the end of it.

Just as I was signing off of other websites, I got a call from Rab, the 85-year old street performer I wrote about. He told me how this was the hardest time in his life because of the loneliness he endures every day. Because of this, he feels tired of life and prays to God to end his. In that one sentence, that one painfully honest admission, everything I’ve been stressing about went away. That old familiar sting came to my eyes because I can’t stand to see another human being in pain, not this kind. This kind of pain could be avoided if people in his family took the time to visit him regularly. I asked him if he checked his mail box lately because some “surprises” were sent to him on Friday. He said he hadn’t checked his mail box since then but he would tomorrow. “Well, I got an idea then. Why don’t you talk to my youngest since she is fighting me in going to sleep?” Rab’s voice took on a different sound, it was …..delighted! I handed the phone to her and away she went! Asking him who he was, where he lived, how old he was, 85?! That’s old as Jesus! Yep, that’s what the kid said to him! Even my teenager took time to talk to him for a bit!

Rab doesn’t know that I’ve been out looking for pen pals for him so he can still feel connected to the rest of the world. I want each letter to be a surprise for him because he needs to know he is not a life forgotten simply because of his age and circumstances. He will not be around much longer and if I can make his remaining years more livable simply by offering to be a friend, well….even I can afford that.

He says he’s not that nice yet everyday his conduct makes a liar out of him. It doesn’t matter that he had a dark side and is a work in progress, we all are. He doesn’t have to do what he does, so why does he? Regardless of how you got here mister, you’re here and you are making a difference. If you are guided to this path to do a job that others shy away from, do you think we really care about what you say about yourself?

We each judge ourselves harder than others would, that’s a given but when all is said and done, the impression you leave behind is how you will be remembered. Maybe not being nice is what’s needed. Maybe a not-so-nice person is the kind that will get the job done because of all the not-so-nice people out there.

You brought joy to a 13-year old boy today. You helped his mother and father the best way you knew how. Is this what not-so-nice people do? You help other homeless people to get connected via social media. You give them an avenue to be heard via InvisiblePeople.tv and wearevisible. You bring them onstage with you to tell their stories. They say you can tell a lot by a man, not by what you see but by what you hear. We have all heard you say you’re not so nice. We beg to differ.

Oh and..don’t argue with a woman. You’ll lose…….

Anxieties, worries, stresses, strain, unknown futures calling me

Nothing guaranteed, knowing that I won’t be free

Silent tears, hidden pain, when a new day will I see?

I saw my reflection the other day, past a window on display but….

The woman I saw, who looked like me, couldn’t remember what she used to be

Thinking back to childhood days, soft green grass and summer days, I never thought

I’d see a different reality, a different me

Blue, green, yellow, black, wish I could get my life back, but wishing on a star

That’s just fantasy. I’ve got to find a way back to me. I once met a girl, she was nineteen

She sat nearby, watching me. Somehow she guessed, somehow knew, guess she’s seen a few

“Be careful,” she said quietly, “you’ll lose your mind out here.” I watched her then, sitting there

Wondering how long she wandered through nowhere.

Sun gone down, the night is black, looking up I see its tracks

The Great Bear, it shines the way, sometimes the only one who hears me pray

No matter what I do or what I say, how come things are still this way?

I think about the people who, when asked to help, didn’t come through.

Excuses plenty, yes I’ve heard every, and even though with that mindset

They should know I won’t forget

I’ve learned a lot on the way, when to run and where to stay and stranger still

I can’t give up, never will. Eyes are watching, young and new, watching everything I do

When you see me walk on by, when I see you I won’t cry. You had your chance and you failed

Now I have a story to tell. Won’t be fun, not what you want to hear

Won’t be about people you have near. So while at home, snug in bed

Knowing you have nothing to dread, someone on the street,

dies tonight in their sleep.

“If they can’t feed their kids don’t breed them!” “It’s their fault they’re there”

“I don’t feel sorry for addicts and drunks” “Don’t give them money, they’ll just buy junk”

“I’m not paying for their welfare” “Not my problem so I don’t care”

This is the message society gives, this is the attitude they want to live

I find such attitudes to be odd, when did they become God? Christian charity, hah, not likely!

Conversion before giving to help the living, Forcing beliefs or no relief, they have forgotten!

One man came, one man said, “Give us now our daily bread”. There was no inclusion

No list of exclusions, apathy and indifference feeds the delusion

My mind is set, the goal is clear. With perseverance a new day is near

The system is broken, has been awhile. Sold our children down the Nile

Inadequacies are built-in addictions, that’s why you see so much affliction

It’s up to us, call it Intuit, stop the excuses, just do it!

This isn’t what we’re supposed to be, a society made up of angst “I” at ease.

The two I lost…..

Even though my thoughts today have been preoccupied with figuring out how I’m going to pay for my storage rent, car tabs and school stuff for the kids this month, there is something else that comes to my mind every October. It is the memory of two native girls I saw every night while working the graveyard shift at a local convenience store. People saw them and would remark how somebody ought to do something about the life they were living. I contacted state agencies and got nowhere with them. I can’t help but think about how they would still be here today if the members of the community would’ve directly intervened on those girls’ behalf by bringing food and clothes to them so that they didn’t feel like their only hope was to try to be like their aunt who was a prostitute addicted to heroin. I gave the kids sandwiches and tried to get them more help but it was too late. This poem is for them:

This is the month of holiday ghosts, of goblins and ghouls, of pumpkin seeds roast.

Their names long forgotten, but not their memory, two innocent lives I miss the most

I was strict, but wanted them to play, lost childhood I saw everyday

 

Where did you go, I wandered, I asked, nowhere and none too fast

Bad company came calling today, bad company came and took you away

Eleven and twelve, so young and pure, in shallow graves found you were

 

I tried, I cried but no one cared, simple compassion was all that you dared

That aunt of yours, I blame her I do, her addiction they said, made her a fool

Following her footsteps, you two did take and now from slumber you’ll never wake

 

Childlike voices, childhood prayers, all you needed was someone to care

I hear your names upon the wind and wonder if you’ll forgive our sin

We failed to save you, to bring you in and now I’m left with suffering

 

The swings in the playground move with the breeze, I hope the gods of mercy see

Your memory, innocence lost, still comes to haunt me