I don’t know what’s worse…the waiting around for a mechanic to call with a quote or the anxiety that comes with the wait. Add to this the frustration of never hearing back on all the jobs you applied for and the constant worrying about a better future and you have the perfect recipe for an ulcer. To my surprise I haven’t gotten one yet.
Maybe it’s because when things start to pile up in my mind, the only way to vent is to write it out in poetic form. That’s what happened late last night while reading about my favorite poet, the great Maya Angelou. Her words always take me to that place inside me that keeps me from caving in.
Thank you Maya, for all your “singing” words!
I know why the great lady sings
I know why the great lady sings
Of freedoms we all dream of
It’s because she sees as only she can
The obvious in everyone’s wingspan
The first time I read her poetry
I thought she was talking straight at me
About a woman’s work taken for granted
The kind many of us call our own
When the great lady sings through spoken word
I feel as though she understands what it’s like to be alone
Because like her I find that my soul is still seeking
That place to call home
All this time I thought I was making it on my own
But then that couldn’t be true since
I have been traveling with souls equaling two
My girls are the eyes I must measure up to
And I think this time around, while I’m down in the dirt
The perspective has changed from here
If I look up into the sky, to greet the dawning sun’s light
Then maybe too like she says, still I will rise
Across this land like a red ocean, my ancestors bled
Because greed came to visit and take
What did not belong to it
I have become the dreams they hope
Will bring us all back
Child within the woman I am sees a little clearer now
How love frees pleasure from the pains
And memories drawn from deep inner springs
Made me a little wiser and now I know
Why the great lady sings
As soon as the kids were off at school, I called around to some auto junkyards to see if they had a decent automatic transmission for a 92 Ford Aerostar. I didn’t have much luck and I called a few garages just to see what would be involved in getting a rebuilt one. To my horror, a rebuilt tranny costs over $1900.00, plus tax, plus almost $100.00 an hour to install it, plus a knot growing in my throat and the feeling of air being squeezed out of my lungs while listening to the mechanics quote prices for money I don’t even have.
Out here, not having a car is a nightmare as there are only two bus routes, the one that runs in the morning and the one that comes back during the dinner hour. That’s it. I had to cancel my teen’s doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning because we have no way to be there by 9 am. Even if the buses out here ran earlier than they do, we’d have to leave here by 4:30 – 5:00 am to be there on time. Add to this the fact that I got the van for free so spending close to $2,000.00, (possibly more as I don’t know what else might be wrong) is beginning to feel like the vehicle isn’t worth saving. For that much money, I could get another used car without a transmission problem.
Then there’s Caly calling her mechanic to see if he can find a transmission. I basically told her what’s the difference if he finds one less than what I was quoted since I still don’t have the money to pay for anything? He can call all around if he wants to but that doesn’t mean money is gonna fall from the sky!
I couldn’t eat yesterday and the day before I was just too stressed out to care. Maybe by tomorrow, Caly’s friend/mechanic will tell us how much he would charge but again, if I can’t afford to have him fix the van, it’s a wasted effort. Right now it’s about 6 pm and he hasn’t called so maybe by tomorrow I’ll know for sure.
Ahhhh….another day in paradise.
On the way to picking up my eldest, the mini-van started acting funny. It dragged when I stepped on the gas pedal and while driving down the highway, it wanted to slow down then speed up. When the high-pitched whining sound started, I pulled into a Firestone Mastercare garage I was familiar with. Thank goodness my mother and sister lived only a few blocks away. I left the car at the garage thinking by the time my sister drove us to Bellevue and back, they would at least have gotten on diagnostic done but after waiting a couple of hours after getting back from Bellevue, no one had called.
It was getting dark and the shop closed at 6 pm. They aren’t open on Sundays and I had no way of getting back here to pick up the van let alone the funds to pay for more than a diagnostic. I got to the garage at 4:30 and told the mechanics that I might as well just take a chance at driving the van back to Caly’s place, 70 miles away. One mechanic said that he suspects that the transmission on the Aerostar is going out from what he could tell (they were nice enough not to charge me anything for taking a look after all!).
I went online to see what a rebuilt transmission would cost and most of the prices listed say $1500.00! Then my instincts kicked in. Maybe I can find a used transmission at a junkyard that has less mileage on it than mine does. The only thing after that is to see how much a shop would charge to install it.
Since today is Sunday, I can’t call any places until tomorrow. I am hoping with any luck, it won’t cost that much but since I don’t have any money, I am thinking the van may not be worth saving since it was given to me for free.
So today is another adventure in homelessness and tomorrow will determine what I do in the very near future.
Anxieties, worries, stresses, strain, unknown futures calling me
Nothing guaranteed, knowing that I won’t be free
Silent tears, hidden pain, when a new day will I see?
I saw my reflection the other day, past a window on display but….
The woman I saw, who looked like me, couldn’t remember what she used to be
Thinking back to childhood days, soft green grass and summer days, I never thought
I’d see a different reality, a different me
Blue, green, yellow, black, wish I could get my life back, but wishing on a star
That’s just fantasy. I’ve got to find a way back to me. I once met a girl, she was nineteen
She sat nearby, watching me. Somehow she guessed, somehow knew, guess she’s seen a few
“Be careful,” she said quietly, “you’ll lose your mind out here.” I watched her then, sitting there
Wondering how long she wandered through nowhere.
Sun gone down, the night is black, looking up I see its tracks
The Great Bear, it shines the way, sometimes the only one who hears me pray
No matter what I do or what I say, how come things are still this way?
I think about the people who, when asked to help, didn’t come through.
Excuses plenty, yes I’ve heard every, and even though with that mindset
They should know I won’t forget
I’ve learned a lot on the way, when to run and where to stay and stranger still
I can’t give up, never will. Eyes are watching, young and new, watching everything I do
When you see me walk on by, when I see you I won’t cry. You had your chance and you failed
Now I have a story to tell. Won’t be fun, not what you want to hear
Won’t be about people you have near. So while at home, snug in bed
Knowing you have nothing to dread, someone on the street,
dies tonight in their sleep.
“If they can’t feed their kids don’t breed them!” “It’s their fault they’re there”
“I don’t feel sorry for addicts and drunks” “Don’t give them money, they’ll just buy junk”
“I’m not paying for their welfare” “Not my problem so I don’t care”
This is the message society gives, this is the attitude they want to live
I find such attitudes to be odd, when did they become God? Christian charity, hah, not likely!
Conversion before giving to help the living, Forcing beliefs or no relief, they have forgotten!
One man came, one man said, “Give us now our daily bread”. There was no inclusion
No list of exclusions, apathy and indifference feeds the delusion
My mind is set, the goal is clear. With perseverance a new day is near
The system is broken, has been awhile. Sold our children down the Nile
Inadequacies are built-in addictions, that’s why you see so much affliction
It’s up to us, call it Intuit, stop the excuses, just do it!
This isn’t what we’re supposed to be, a society made up of angst “I” at ease.